I remember when I first interviewed for the job I now hold. It seemed to me one more step "up" step up the ladder of success- both financially and personally. I was informed that this position held much opportunity, and involved shoring up an entirely new product line. It was exactly what I was looking for, a position I could grow with and not too quickly "hit my stride". Good paying jobs are very hard to come by in today's time. We all are aware of this; fewer people are needed to perform the same tasks and "downsizing" has become routine practice by most if not all American corporations. I felt fortunate for the new opportunity.
I was told that 45 interviews took place over a period of 6 months before "I" was found and chosen. I felt a little special actually. I started my new job with enthusiasm, I worked exhaustive hours (I am also a mother of two as well which is a job of its own), I made inciteful contributions to the SVP whom I report to. I started feeling really solid in my position - and then the anihiliation came. My first day driving the hour long trek home in absolute tears, and an experience that would continue to occur.
My boss and I always had such a good working relationship, so I could not figure out why suddenly, I had become like an anathema. I no longer felt of value which, he (to me) seemed to make very apparent. What happened here? And then, after some time of silently observing the corporate dynamic, I realized that sadly enough, some of the warnings I had heard others share about working within a conservative corporate structure, had indeed manifested. I was a woman in a "man's" world and somehow, I had overlooked that "fact". Was my contribution of value? Yes. Was I a top performer? Yes. Was I reliable and consistent? Yes.
But was I a man making the contribution here? No.
I disdain putting these things in terms of "man" vs. "woman" but it is the unfortunate truth of my experience. I routinely watched the simplest processes executed with arduous effort by men, and the same process executed with ingenuity by a woman. Yet, the kudos went to the male regardless. I recall when another director saw me attempting to hide my tears in the ladies room one day. She pulled me aside and said,
"Look- from one woman to another, I want to tell you that you are amidst one of the most conservative corporate environments here, it IS run by men, it has been that way for over 50 years, and will probably not change. All women here have realized this "truth". If you want to keep your job, you will need to learn to accept this because it probably won't change. You came in like a fresh breeze on a gloomy day with enthusiasm, and a smile for all.... Everyone has seen this and we all have been waiting for the day when the disenchantment would set in, because we all have been there. Take my advice, learn to accept or find a new job. That is how it is here." Words to live by right?
Considering the level of respect I initially held for my manager, a high profile executive, I think the greatest, hugest disappointment to me was the lessening of my admiration for him. I felt entirely betrayed and disappointed. How could he behave so "non-human"; draw someone into close communications and then turn a cold shoulder for no apparent reason? It was an enigma to me. I soon observed that he behaved this way to ALOT of people, not just me. He would draw them close to further an agenda, and then cast them aside when the job was done. I realized that he behaved this way because he believed he "had to", in order to "fit in" at his own level, in order to likewise survive "the corporate machine". I was getting first-hand demonstration of the typecast "male executive" in action.
Nonetheless, in addition to the deep personal disappointment I felt about the new relationship dynamic with my manager, I also felt my job security entirely threatened. I started to feel extremely angry about this. In my mind, here I am successfully resolving issues, giving very workable ideas for effective operations, and yet, this fails to make any positive impression whatsoever. It was not the "concepts" I presented that failed, so I later learned. It was brought to my attention in no uncertain terms that the failing lie in the fact that I did not properly understand my "place". I was rudely awakened to this truth one day when an idea I originally presented that would save half a million dollars within the first year was welcomed during week 2 of my employ, and then later used as part of a "laundry list" of "why my performance was lacking" in week 10 of my employ. I was told,
"While I appreciate the contributions you have thus far made, you really are over-stepping your role. Your job is primarily as adjunct to mine, therefore, taking a more "supportive" stance is what is required. Do I recognize your intellectual ability- most certainly, you have the ability to see in terms of a matrix- the whole picture, and keenly analyse it. This is why I hired you. Would I recognize you as a peer however, well...actually no." Quite clear is it not? The translation here essentially was:
"I want executive capacity, but not pay executive salary - and I have no intention of furthering your career either; your presence and ability in fact shall further mine. You exist because I do."I think I was in shock. And the most humiliating aspect of it was the delievery. A talented executive male in the "driver's seat" can turn on that brutality like no other. I had never held a position where open, honest, communication was not a fundamental part of the day to day interaction. The key word here is: honest. I felt manipulated by dishonesty, by someone that clearly had an "agenda" and I was merely an instrument in furthering that agenda. Unlike the "we thing" that was asserted during the interview, the whole complexion of the relations had mysteriously changed to "a me thing" - me referring to my manager. I was also in shock at realizing that
I had inadvertently become part of a system I very much disdained; I was now a living platitude.After this initial shock wore off, I went where every other female usually goes when things "just go awry". Which is, I started analysing myself, over-analysing myself, trying to see if or even how other women in my organization succeeded. Were there any? Hmm... I can't say if I could honestly descibe any of them as 'successful' by my definition. The last SVP that was a woman not long ago had her position "eliminated". This is what they call the process of getting rid of someone they want to get rid of, without firing them and thus being subject to a lawsuit --- "elimination". Then about 8 months after her "elimination" - the position magically reappeared, and guess who was promoted to it? Right- a male VP whom previously reported to this very same woman, was now elevated to the "new role". Big surprise.
I observed that the few women in upper executive positions that did exist in the company all had one common trait. Which was: Acting exactly like their male counterparts. They had become men - parading as women. Only worse, because they undermined one another, whereas for the most part, the males did not. The males at least seemed to have some sort of unspoken "code"; they might freely "dog" a female peer- but not each other. They were part of a unique brotherhood so it seemed. Conversely, the women would jump any opportunity to shine- even if it meant selling out another "sister". I was disgusted. I really DIS-like the juxtaposition of Male/Female terms to begin with, and I am especially disheartened when I see these dynamics deliberately purpetrated as means for "crawling up the ladder".
So I sank farther into myself, making every change, facing each day with a determined smile. Gracefully navigating my bosses increasingly rude correspondance or should I say "lack thereof" since it was to the point he would refuse to read my emails or communicate with me enough so that I could at least perform basic tasks required. I had to become a psychic and read his mind. I was relegated to "secretary" essentially, but with a nicer title perhaps. I was not demoted or promoted- or fired - or let go- I simply was treated henceforth like "an afterthought".
However, this disappointing position actually afforded me a unique vantage point on the dynamics of the corporate world. While I have often humorously conveyed the mundane stupidities of my work day as amusement, along with this I also gleaned many good insights into the nature of the corporate structure as a whole.
[End of Part 1. ] To be continued....
I also received this hilarious little e-card in my mailbox today. I was thinking about sending it to my boss. Whoever authored this animated mini-feature is a genius - - - and obviously worked at my company as well in order to have such accurate insight. :)
